Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Rebirth of a Submissive

Sex is what makes the world go 'round. Literally. If not for sexual procreation, there would not be people and you would not be sitting here reading this. (Aren't you glad your parents fucked?) But who determines how we are to procreate? Obviously not everyone has the same tastes. This goes beyond the whole blonde, brunette, redhead debates. This goes to how you get your rocks off. What makes you tick? More importantly, what makes you come like a rocket lifting off and making the trip beyond Mars in a nanosecond? This is a brief history into how I rediscovered my rocket to Mars.

For the past decade I have been in a wonderful relationship with Mr. Man with a sex life that, let's be honest, has had its ups and downs. Thankfully, there have been more ups. For years we have had a "vanilla" relationship. Sure, we would decide to be adventurous and go for the doggy style, reverse cowgirl, or heaven forbid that once a year moment he talked me into a 69 for about two sucks and then I was over it. Now, this is not putting down our sex life, believe me, no man had ever made me come quite like he did. But in the back of my mind I always desired just a little something more, something I had an introduction to in my past.

Before my Mr. Man, I had been in a relationship with Mr. Bipolar that I felt had been borderline abusive. He was my first  introduction to sex and I was never quite comfortable with it. There were certain things about it that I liked and I could not understand why. I liked it when he spanked me, pull my hair, would lightly slap me, he'd call me a slut, he made me taste myself. Mr. Bipolar would also do things that would humiliate me and the whole time I kept thinking, "I know this is not 'the norm' like the movies, but I like this. Why do I like this? Shouldn't I be hurting and running away?" I was young, confused and uneducated. I had no idea I was just beginning to learn the ropes of a BDSM relationship. Now, there were other things that he would make me do that I knew were cases where he was just trying to harm me and in fact did to the point of a couple of occasions of date rape. In short, he was a bad Dom and his intent was what was wrong behind our whole relationship. I know this now, but at the time I left that relationship thinking it was our actions that made everything wrong and I was some sick deviant for liking some of those things.

Like I said before, I have had a more traditional sexual relationship for the past decade, but some of those desires have always crept up throughout the years. Like I would joking ask him if he was going to spank me for something I did, or I would say something like, "When you accidentally bit me, it was kind of nice," or "When my hair got stuck in your watch and you pulled it, it was interesting." Being a guy, he never got the hints, plus he would always say, "I'm not into pain." (Now, this is where I am going to lose many of you.) Then my mother of all people suggested I read, yes I am going to say it, the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.

Ok, ok, I know I am just one of millions on the internet that has decided to blog about the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and the effect it had on me and my life, but that is where my rebirth started. Sorry that it resulted from my reading of a trendy book. But guess what? You clicked on here and you can easily hit the back button or that little 'x' in the top right hand corner. So, if you are still interested in my journey, keep reading, if not, then kindly piss off. :)

Now, I was not like those women on SNL reading it with a "shower massager" or a Hitachi wand while under the covers. It is just a romance novel people. Are the sex scenes interesting, YES, but please, if you want some better sex scenes, read Jean Auel's Earth Children series. Hot steamy cavewoman sex! :) I digress, the thing about the series is that it made me realize that I should not have been ashamed of these desires that I have had in me all of these years. Granted, majority of the people in the leather world do not come from abusive backgrounds like the character Christian and myself, so PLEASE do not get that misconception. That is not how I related to the books. There was a line that Christian says that really made sense to me, "We are consenting adults and what we do behind closed doors is between ourselves. You need to free your mind and listen to your body." 

Brilliant! That is what I should have been doing all of these years! I finally decided that I was going to do, I was going to tell Mr. Vanilla Man what my body has been wanting all these years. I will tell him I want him to take me from behind, smack my ass, and pull my hair while making me thank him and call him Sir for it. I want him to tie me down spread eagle and smack me with a riding crop and demand that I suck his dick! I want him to take me to that fine edge where it hurts in a good way. I want him to dominate me mind, body, and soul. It does say to love honor and obey, right? But how do I do it? What will he think of me? Will he run for the hills?

So, we are laying in bed, just being lazy, when I bring up the book he swears he will never read and I will never ask him to. I casually bring up that I am enjoying the book more than I thought I would, granted the writing is not the best, but it entertains me and that is all I expected from it. He chuckles and then I add in, "It has kind of brought some feelings to the surface and makes me want to try certain things." Of course he knows almost everything about my previous relationship, some things omitted out of fear he would hunt down the fucker and castrate him, but he has always been supportive, just never encouraged any of the previous acts. He looks at me and says, "Do tell." So, I tell him that the book kind of turns me on. I kind of like the stuff they do in it. He knows it has some BDSM aspects and I am sweating like a sinner in church, can I really tell him? Thank God he can read my mind because he looks my in the eye with a serious, earnest look and asks, "Do you want to be a submissive?"

I can feel that delicious warming deep within me be him just saying the word, but I can't read him. Is he about to freak? I bury my face in a pillow then peek up at him and nervously squeak out a yes. His response? "Ok." WHAT?!?  Really? Is it going to be that easy? He explains how he thought I was done with all of it because of my disdain for my past relationship and that he is willing to try. Before I know it we are discussing hard and soft limits and we even start to do web research for tips to introduce our selves to this new life. 

Alas it is time to shower and go about my day smiling to myself that I have opened the door and I am now ready to step through when who should step through my shower curtain, but my wonderful, understanding man. A kiss on the neck leads to a solid smack to the ass and oh- I realize right there how much I have missed it! Not just that warm, tingling, sting, but the sound of it even. He follows it with another and another and I can feel myself become wetter and wetter and it is not because of the shower. ;) Much more transpires, but that is for us to relish in, but afterwards, I felt a satisfaction that I have never felt before! I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes like I had been dormant all these years to finally be awakened with a smack. Even better, he seems to really be enjoying himself. This is what has been missing all these years, this is my more. This is what gets me off and makes me come like a rocket.

So, what can you learn from this? No, I am not saying go out and read the Fifty Shades of Grey books, unless you are just looking for a fun read. What I am saying is this, don't be afraid to get yours. BDSM is not for everyone, different strokes for different folks, but whatever it is that gets you off do it! And if you don't know what gets you off, experiment. Try new things, be adventurous! Also, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! If your partner is not totally into what you want to do, there is always room for negotiations. Just go out there and buy your ticket to hop on a rocket for Mars and enjoy the ride! Personally, Mr. Man, now Mr. Dom in Training, and I are not planning on coming back to Earth for a long time!

-Enjoy life, be kinky!